Emotional.
Do you know how many times I was like this, alone, staring into blank air, not knowing what's going on right now. So tell me, how would you feel if you were to see me like this, when you understand my mind &know everything, that is in my ♥ ?
Honestly, right now, I do not know what to write. I'm not neglecting it, i'm just too chocked up inside. Too stress, too many things in my heart, too many things on my mind, too many misery that I did not sought for. Misery that came to my doorstep that made me feel ): &you know what?
You didn't even noticed it.
It was torturous, but i've been through worse. It makes me tired.. Honestly, tired of everything in life. I know it might seem wrong, when everyone is trying to make their lives happy, i act like i'm the only one with misery business. But then, everyone has different methods of how they deal with their problems right? So my misery is seriously staking up, squeezing my insides. &yes everyone says don't care about it, you'll be fine, it'll be alright. I'll tell you now, it's not that easy. NO. It's been too long that i'm like this &YES I DID TRY TO BE HAPPY !
YES I DID TRY HARD. HARDER. I stopped my tears, I hold them back. I smiled whenever they're needed. &guess what, my smile is twisted, I can't smile right. Here i'll show, my smile is : it's a straight line now. Find me someday &i'll show you, notice it. I lost weight, wow. Within this 2months, my appetite is horrible. Up &down. Eat don't eat. My weight: Not even 45kg. Yes lower. But I guess, if I didn't try my hardest, it would mean nothing right?
What else? My health. Coughs, headaches, injuries. Honestly, I don't believe I would live to a long age. &yes I did feel suicidal. I know maybe y'all would think that I don't cherish life. Tell me, if live is miserable, why live? &if you can't make life happy, why work so hard &fail? All for nothing.
Yes I should live for myself, for my life, for my friends, for my family. Changes should only occur cause you want them, not for others, but for yourself. You know something, right now. To y'all out there, it might sound inspirational..
To me right now, it sounds like some mfucking bullshit.
Yes, i'll tell what, i'm a weakling. I'm losing it. With no strength. Someone who's scare of everything, too weak to try everything for her life. Yes, that's what I am. Nothing. Happy?
(If looking back hurts you and looking forward scares you, then look beside of you cause I will always be there for you.)
