I, finally, woke up this morning, checked my handphone. Wrote a msg, sent the msg &threw my phone to a corner. I curled my body, with my chin to my knees &my hands wrapping my legs. I pulled up my blanket to cover myself. I bowed my head down &I started to cry.

Worried, agitated, sadness, jealousy, anger, frustration, calmness, relaxation.

All sorts of emotions just went through me, &I just cried it all out. It hurts I swear it does. But this isn't about the situation. It's just about me. Purely me. It's nothing to do with any of you.

I won't be able to fight you &you know it.
I am always trying &you know it.
I won't give up &you know it.
I am trying to make everything normal or maybe even better &you know it.
I trust you with everything I have &you know it.

You know you can control me with a twist of your words, action or maybe just one little sigh. Yes, you know you can. You just didn't fully realise what it is really doing to me. You can't have the best of both worlds - that's what I tell myself everyday, everytime. But you know what? I'm still trying, to get that best of both worlds. Yes, for you, I am doing the impossible.

You will ask, or maybe just think, what impossible am I doing? Here is what I'm doing, the impossible deemed by everyone, including yourself, JUST FOR YOU.


- I am loving you, more than ever. - you can't believe that.
- I am giving you my fullest trust - for everything you say I believe.
- I am waiting for you when it's actually supposed to be the other way round - No one understands why &you didn't even think about it.
- I am really over the situation &I want it out of my head - But you don't believe that.
- I am really not going to get hurt by you anymore - but it's either you don't trust me on that, or you don't trust yourself to protect me anymore.
- I am really clear-headed in everything I say.
- &I MEAN EVERYTHING I'VE SAID TO YOU.


Honestly are my feelings for you so shallow? When I asked you how long would you think it would take me to forget you if I ended this, you answered me: 1-2months. FUCK YOU - That's how long YOU will take to forget me, NOT THE OTHER WAY ROUND!

Yes, like you said, you are probably going to hurt me with everything you said, yes I am crying yes what the fuck, so? I won't lie, everytime you look into my eyes, tell me what you see. See the differences, from before. You will notice this for sure, you will notice, that I will never be the same anymore. It's either a more or a less, &you know it, you also know that it is entirely up to you to change it.

Time is not on my side, but I will try to make it mine, like I said, even if it's forever I will wait &I can. &you better get it into your head. I'm sorry if you're reading this &you think it's some sort of threat, or something that is going to pressuirze you. I am really sorry.

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I do know what type of person I am: Uselss, worthless cause I am changable. I can change into anything for others. If I can't, I can try. It might seem as if I'm not living for myself. That's cause I don't know what I want in life yet, as in career &all not relationships. I may have done stupid things or said stupid stuffs, but at that point of time, everything I did, was exactly what I want. &Woman always says this: Life's too short to be anyone but you.

Yesterday, when I was so scare, I seriously hate such shows, I was so happy cause you were there with me, do you know how I felt? I felt protected &loved. The screams weren't there &I couldn't hear anything. I only know you were there. This is a fact, &i know it might sound like some drama show but so be it. This is really how I felt. &I remembered where &when I felt that feeling before, I do. I might never say it before but now I am. I regret not showing all my feelings last time, but now i will, every single one of them, even if it makes you sad or angry I will show, cause I don't want to regret anymore.

It might seem naive that I can only try to make it happen, or whether is it sad that i can only try and not be confident that it will happen. It doesn't matter what others think, cause I know I tried. I can't be that confident, cause you're not with me. Like I told you, my Stag sign: Supergirl. But I ain't super without you. I sound like some control freak. laughs.


PS: I love you, always.