It's not about why I am like that, it's about what made me to be like that.

Hello my lovely readers!

I think you should know that I would only most prolly blog on the weekends as I don't really have the time, mood or energy to blog during the weekdays. Yes the word: Alevels prolly would have said it all. It's the same thing everyday and I have to drag my butt to school everyday. Not that I'm complaining, I find it rather funny that I'm actually learning much more now then the entire year.

Hell.

Cause that means, I don't have much time left at all. Time Check: Exactly one month left to my first Alevels paper - General Paper. I'm gonna force myself to really finish up more Essays and more AQ and bug Mr Idris to help. &More Econs essays and Poa revision. The only damn thing is that I have no idea how to study for Mob. Which I should be cursed right now cause I haven't even started on doing them. Ugh :/

Anyway, guess what, I went shopping with most of my classmates last friday, to shop for our Graduation Tea &yes you can predict. I got nothing! As usual. But it was hell lots of fun when I was totally barbie-ing for Christina. Dress after dresses! But I finally know what I'll be wearing. A bright green Toga dress! If I can find one that is, prolly in some beach shop. Argh, we'll see. It's still long to GT anyway. It's also the least of my worries right now.

Well, here's one of the main points of my post today. Remember my previous post, about my confidence problem. Recently I have many people saying about it. Cecelia, Tracker, Mrs Alice Wong(can you believe it?), Wc and others. They are really sweet to help me boost my confidence level but the thing about this problem, is actually said above below the photo. "It's not about why I have so little confidence, it's more about what made me to have little confidence about myself" There's a difference. I've been like this cause I've got crushed many many times before.

Whether by friends, by family or by relationships.

I've been there, I've done that and it pretty much changes me. I am not someone who wants to try something new, like for all the dresses that I see, I do think it's nice, I do wanna try but there is always something that stops me. I don't know what it is, could be rejection. Then again, rejecting from who, myself? or others? You know, being treated worthless at home is what I think I had for many years. Then, I've met friends who look down on you, friends who backstab you, friends who don't understand you and friends that judge you of your looks and what other people says. That's why I aimed to be someone who is NONE of these. It's those been there done that kinda stuffs. I've seen friends leave you for the wrong reasons, friends that judged you based on your merits and commitment.

The thing is, I'm not those people who can live happily ever after, I don't live on a bed of roses. I am what I am cause of what people made me to be. I dreamt of many things but when I think realistically. It's like so unachieveable. &I also learnt somethings - when you want something, you jolly well earn it. I don't believe in free things. Then again, I don't believe that trust, love and hope is gotten that easily without earning it.

Of course, prolly what most of y'all are wondering is why even my relationships are kinda crappy. I had a boyfriend that goes out with me cause my hair looks like his ex's. I had boyfriends, who compliment girls right infront of me and says, why can't you be like that. &yes I have seen relationships broken up cause their feelings for one another were too shallow, or that they're not good enough for them.

That's why I keep to my confort zone and I've recently learn and want to try new stuffs. But take it slow, I have my ways. I don't like myself having so little confidence as well, that's cause I don't like failure. Cause as much as I beliveing in second chances, in reality, there could be no such thing as second chances. &when somethings inside me are broken, I mend in on my own cause you won't or don't even know whether you're helping me, or harming me again. Then again, I also know that my life are far of better than others. I should be happy that I now have better friends who learns to understand and not critcize me. At least my life is pretty much a whole and I know I do have the power and ability to control how I want. So don't worry about me. I'll be fine, I've always been fine.


Ps: Thanks to woman &Christina, I'm craving for a Creme Brulee Macchiato from Starbucks :D