&I need to tell you, just tonight, I'm not okay


Hello my lovely readers!

Wells, this is my second post for the day. I'm writing with a heavy heart. But I won't cry over this. Cause if ever possible, I rather not cry about anything anymore. Yes I am pathetic, I used to cry a lot. &I know that I have God and that I need not worry about all my problems. All these stuffs are just test and trials that God is putting me through to strengthen me. Even if He does take something away from me, I know it's only temporary, I know God is just emptying all I have in my hands to give me what He knows is best for me. I don't have a doubt, never will.

Today, I'm just describing what I am going through? Probably it's just for tonight that I am feeling this way. Can I ask everyone something? Have you even felt you hurt someone so badly? So so so badly that that someone actually cried? I need to confess, I made someone cried, not on intention, definitely not on intention. I don't know why but we were talking and I think it was something I said that triggered me and it was oh-so-horrible. I feel bad. You know why? Cause I can't promise people things that I can't keep. I can't keep you happy by giving you empty promises, no I'm not like that. Right now, even me myself don't know what is happening. Or more like, I don't know how to handle this. But I am taking one step at a time. I am continuous trying to make sure everything is alright cause I hate to hurt people and I can swear, it hurts like crap.

&tears doesn't mean it all, the long lasting pain and eventually, numbness will stay on you, for a while, probably a long long while. We'll never know. I understand the pain. Although it will never be the same pain that everyone experiences, I know the aftermath of it. &I wish you will never have. Like I said so so so so many times, I wished that you would NEVER EVER experience the same thing that I experienced, I wished and hoped you will always, always always always be happy with what you have, what you will find and who you will meet. I didn't expect this. &honestly, I'm starting to hate myself.

Another thing that has made me so not okay tonight was that I just been told by my friend that I would know whether my appeal for NUS and NTU is accepted by next week. I think NTU is a no case cause I didn't get called or anything for interview. Hopefully I can get into SIM then. The happy thing is that I can continue with my Business Route? Like Accounting. I am serious for it. I want to do good. For the first time in my life, I want to frigging do well in my studies and not let anything disrupt me. I want to stop making mistakes in my life that would screw up my exams again, like my O and A levels. The same mistake over and over and over again! I'm tired of it, sick of it.

I shall stop here, it's an abrupt ending but I just don't know what to say, I feel drained. But the good thing about this is that I know someday, I would pass this test. I know I will get through this. &I will look back and laugh at this. Cause you know what?

"To have things you never had, you have to do things you've never done" - Pastor How!

&I believe in that, entirely. &I know my efforts would never be wasted and I would get my rewards, whether in heaven or on earth it doesn't matter cause the satisfaction that you can feel will never be the same and it gets better all the time! :D Alright, takecare everyone. Maybe I would blog about this soon. Gotta go!


Ps; I feel like shit, but I'll still smile cause I'd rather not talk about it.
Pss; Happiest 21st Birthday Weichong!